So here's the deal. I've been avoiding blogging for quite some time because I didn't know where to start. Didn't know how much to say. Didn't think my past readers would accept this journey I've been on. But the new Hilary... the one I'm discovering... decided she doesn't really care. Want to hate me? Go ahead. Want to think I'm evil? Fine. I know this blog is going to tick some people off, and many of my past readers won't like what I have to say. That's fine. There are lots of other blogs out there to read. I've been convinced by several people in my life lately that this journey... the turn of events in my life... how I've been dealing with the changes and trying to find a new normal... could be of benefit to others. So on and on we go...
First issue: Why I am not the "worst of all sinners" for going through a divorce.
(But feel free to still think I am afterward.)
What happened? I think the bigger question is what DIDN'T happen. And that was a real marriage.
I met the XH (ex-husband) just ONE WEEK after a date-rape. (How's that for blunt on the blog?) I was vulnerable, I was hurting, and I wanted to be done with dating, to marry someone gentle and safe and kind who loved God, loved children and loved me. XH seemed to fit that bill. He was gentle, kind, fun, didn't put out ANY pressure for physical involvement (other than kissing, making out, the usual early dating stuff), and seemed to genuinely like ME... at a time when my self esteem was dirt. Looking back, I don't know that I was IN LOVE with him, but he seemed to be what I needed, I enjoyed spending time with him, and figured the love part would grow... I mean, look at all the arranged marriages where people end up really happy and in love! We were at least starting out ahead of that curve! I was also 21... young and dumb... and vulnerable.
We met in November 1997, and were married less than a year later. Everything seemed so great... we'd discuss thoughts, the future, our dreams and goals, and always he would agree with me. How amazing that we had SO MUCH in common! (Too bad he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear.) He even went so far as to give me a little book "Getting to Know Your Life-Mate to Be"... full of questions to answer together. The deal was, we would both answer all the questions, then discuss. I worked for weeks on that book, writing out my thoughtful answers to every question. He... took my answers and read them, and never did his own. I'm convinced he used my answers to taint our future discussions to make it look like we agreed on more than we actually did.
The wedding plans, the invitations, where we would live... everything. It was "whatever you want"... wow! How agreeable and kind! (Later I found this was a warning sign that he was uninvested in the relationship, just floating by.)
The wedding day came, and it was fun, celebrating with friends and family, seeing all of the plans come to fruition, and finally being married, forever, to a nice guy who loved the Lord. Then came the wedding night...
We went to a local hotel that first evening, since we were going to a reception the next morning to open wedding gifts before embarking on our honeymoon. I had packed a sexy white nightgown, symbolic of both the purity we had maintained throughout our relationship and the hope of what married life would bring in that realm. I went into the hotel bathroom, changed, came back out, and XH burst into tears. I guess the lies had been too much, the expectation on my face overwhelming... I don't know. But that was the moment I got the first pieces of what I now know. He had no desire to have that kind of intimacy in our marriage. Yes, there were physical issues as well, but all seemingly correctible... had he wanted to pursue that, which he didn't. I spent that night in tears, too... the dreams of a happy married bedroom relationship shattered. If I'd known then what I know now, I'd have left that night. And few would have blamed me. But as I said, that night I only got a piece of the puzzle.
As married life went on, physical contact became less and less. After the first year or two, even kisses or hugs were dwindling. I did everything I could think of to entice him, to draw him in to the marriage (both physically, and that mental/emotional investment I mentioned above.) I failed. Time and time again. There was no drawing him in. So I hunkered down in the life I had been handed. No sex meant no babies, so we adopted. I invested myself in becoming the best wife, the best mom, the best homeschooler and domestic engineer I could be. And I did a pretty good job of it, I think... except that I was emotionally shut down and numb. I made a point of not bashing the XH, because a good wife wouldn't.
Then last year happened. October 1, 2010, I was handed a sweet baby girl, fresh from the hospital nursery, just 3 days old. My wonderful Kaylee-bug. My other children had attachment issues, and weren't capable of a normal loving parent-child relationship. My husband was merely a roommate. But that baby... she LOVED me. She preferred me. She wanted ME. Not for what I could do for her (cook, clean, buy clothes), but just because she loved me. Then at 9 months old, a judge decided she should go live with her bio brother she had never met. And she was gone. My baby. The only person in the world it felt like truly loved me... was gone. And I was miserable, and broken, and crying and hurting. I was married... and alone. Something had to change.
I went to talk to our pastor, and broke down in tears in his office (I can literally count on one hand the times I remember crying in my life prior to last Summer... I was just completely emotionally shut down. Losing Kaylee opened the floodgates.) I told him my marriage was a sham, I was lonely and unloved and felt hopeless and in many ways, "trapped" by my faith. That even though I was miserable, divorce wasn't an option, and therefore happiness didn't seem to be an option for me either. I told him if I was Catholic, we wouldn't even be considered married, since the marriage was never consummated. He said "but you aren't Catholic. And you are married."
He hooked me up with a woman in the church, who I met for coffee once. I shared my situation, and was basically told "that's a bummer... but divorce isn't an option. Get your love and contentment from God." Nice platitude, but to a hurting, broken woman, you might as well say "sucks to be you!"
The pastor called XH and I both into his office... and XH proceeded to play his old game of "tell them whatever they want to hear", and vowed to the pastor he'd been a neglectful husband, but he loved me and everything would change. 30 minutes later, at home... he admitted nothing was going to change. We saw the pastor again... same story. And again... you guessed it. I told the pastor I felt STUCK. His reply? "You aren't stuck. God can do anything... I mean... XH could get hit by a car on the way out of here today, and die. Or he could leave you." So I asked him straight out, though choking tears "So my only options are for him to die or leave me?" And was told that was basically my entire list of options.
So we went home, and started laying the cards out on the table. He knew he wouldn't change. He didn't have any desire to. I knew I couldn't be happy with things the way they were, and that I deserved at least a CHANCE at being loved and happy and having a real marriage. He admitted he never loved me, he just didn't want to be alone (he'd never lived on his own before and was afraid to). He admitted he was NEVER attracted to me... so none of my attempts and drawing him in were going to have any results. And I told him I needed him to set me free to find happiness. So he agreed. He left willingly. The papers have been filed. He's learned living alone isn't so bad. We get along well, we continue to co-parent with few conflicts, and we both have started dating other people, and have no delisions that we have any business being together. We are happy for each other... we both have a chance at a real life, a real relationship, love.
So judge away if you must. But I doubt there are many who would have stuck with that situation for 13 years. It was a bait and switch. He admits he lied and manipulated. And I did my best to make things work. What I refuse to do is suffer the rest of my life that way. God has better things for me. I'm wiser now, can see the signs, and can choose better for my REAL marriage someday.
So... judge if you must, but that's where I am, and how I got here. More on the journey to come...
