Making A Home

And So This is Christmas...

Wow. This has been quite a year. Sometimes I feel like I've gone completely insane. Some moments I feel like I'm right on the brink of something amazing... the life I've hoped for. Other times I feel completely lost, alone, abandoned. People seem to be coming and going from my life at an alarming rate. It's exciting... and it hurts.

I've been laid up in bed for over a week with a pretty severe kidney infection. I'm on the mend though, and today might actually be a semi-normal day. I'm hoping to be able to go caroling with my church tomorrow night... so I'll take all my meds and drink all my fluids like a good girl. I need to go caroling. I need to do something to get into the Christmas Spirit.

A friend took me to a local Christmas play (Plaid Tidings) last week, which was AWESOME, and that was a great start... but that was right about the time I started going down healthwise (temps up to 104, violent shivering, aches), so the momentum of merriment was lost. (Incidentally, just found out my iron levels are DRASTICALLY, almost dangerously low... so working on that, too.)

As Christmas approaches, I find myself in the place others predicted, but I didn't really expect. The first Christmas after separation or divorce. They say you feel lonely. Depressed. Maybe even a little crazy. Wow. I've got that in spades. I don't feel like I belong anywhere this year.

I hear of events happening that I wasn't invited to... which, you know, happens... but when it's predicted, it's harder. Those with "divorce experience" told me some people wouldn't know what to do with me when I didn't fit into the married homeschooling mom mold anymore. And yeah, I'm sure part of it is me... I'm not the Hilary they were used to. But aren't I entitled to a bit of crazy right now? I'm trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing... and I'm floundering, and I feel utterly alone sometimes. In their defense, some people ask what they can do... but I just don't know. Some days I don't know what day of the week it is.

So Christmas is coming. I'll have my kids on Christmas Eve this year. And then Christmas Day... was going to be be spent alone. Friends who have been through that "first year divorced" Christmas mostly said they spent it drunk. Not my cup of tea. But neither is sitting at home crying. I've been invited to my family's functions, of course, but I can't face it... and I can't even fully explain why. I just can't handle it right now. I just don't feel like I belong... anywhere!

So I'm running away for Christmas. I'll enjoy Christmas Eve with my children, and make it the best day I can for them... then I'll be in Florida by 10:00 Christmas morning. I'll visit friends in Georgia and Kentucky. I'll relax, I'll listen to Christmas songs on my ipod on the flight. I'll enjoy fun and merriment with people who are looking forward to seeing me. And hopefully I'll come back ready to face 2012 with focus, direction and determination.

One can hope.

First Day of School

No, not for my homeschoolers.  We started back at the beginning of September.  Today was the first day of public school for Sam and Malaika.  It's a day I thought (hoped) would never come, but with all of the chaos of life right now, and their out and out refusal to do their schoolwork properly at home (as well as some other attachment-related behaviors we are currently encountering), their therapist thought it best that these two enroll in public school for a while.  And being out of ideas and options at this point, and thoroughly overwhelmed at life some days... I had to agree.

Sam, 10, Molly, 8.

These are both children who attended a half year of kindergarten previously in public school.  And they are BOTH children who were suspended during that time.  Many of you no doubt remember Sam's "shark boy" incident... (as it turns out the girl he bit is the daughter of one of the checkers at the restaurant supply store I do most of my grocery shopping at!  Eek!)  Molly's offenses (yes, multiple) were more along the lines of "the teacher doesn't have any right to tell me what to do!"  Huge entitlement issues, that one. 

So today (being one of Brian's visitation days), Brian brought all the kids to my house, and we cermoniously walked them to their first day of school. 

They are nervous but "curious"... they hesistated to say "excited."  Wish them luck... wish us ALL luck!  Or prayers... prayer would be even better.

Spelling Bee

Went to a play yesterday with my friend Jared. So thrilled to have a friend with a love for the
Theatre even bigger than mine! He texted me late Saturday night to ask of I wanted to go to a show, and thus commenced a whirlwind of scrambling to find a sitter. Brian doesn't take the kids at all on Sundays.

I am thankful to have a few friends with teenagers! The kids got to hang out with a nice 15 year old, (then grandma after) while Jared and I saw ” The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee,” then tried out a new church with a Sunday evening service.

The play was on it's last performance at the Bellingham Theatre Guild, so I can't even recommend you run out and see it, but I'm so glad I got to. It was a musical (yay!), and was incredibly funny and witty. It was fun to see a few people I'd met while working with Hallie on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Really renewed my thoughts that I want to be a bigger part of the local theatre community. But my acting experience is pretty much nil. So I have yet to figure out how to get involved. I did a lot of backstage work in high school, but it seems must theatre groups have a standard crew. Hmm...

And the church was fun. Different, but pretty great. I look forward to going back to check out out again.

Here is a blurry phone photo of the cast after the show last night:

Another Hike

Today we are hiking Lake Padden. I didn't get very good sleep last night, so I'm dragging today... Needed to up the energy, so we invited friends along to get some exercise. I love that the weather is still being agreeable this year...and that we live in such
A beautiful area with great hiking trails.

I appreciate that my children and I can share experiences like this together whenever we choose (not dependent on a school schedule), and that we have good friends to join us!

P.E.

I've been making an effort lately to get healthier. I've
Been eating better. Exercising more. And my (poor) children are being drug along for the ride. There is almost no junk food in our house (though they still get plenty with fun daddy!) And when I walk... Often they have to go with me out of necessity.  

I don't know.... Do you think 5 miles was too much for them?

Testing

Hers my next test... Blog via email. Maybe this method allows photos? Let's see how this works....

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Typepad

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Testing

Time to sit down and blog had been at a premium lately... Which is why it isn't happening. That, and it's a hassle to transfer photos from my cell phone (my always available camera of choice lately) to my computer. So I finally found a way to blog from my android phone.... Which I should be able to do at any moment, after snapping a photo in real time! So here is my first attempt. Hmm.... Not seeing where to add a photo... I'll keep trying...

Changes

Lots of silence around here lately.  I hope to get back into it... but I think I've been avoiding this post.  Time to just get it out there and move forward.  The school year is about to start again, and we have lots of fun planned.  I want to record it for our family record (blog book), and while this post holds me up, I can't do that.

So... here's the deal.  Brian and I are separated.  Heading toward divorce.  We are in negotiation (amicably, without professional or legal involvement) over details, like the house and the children.  Lots to decide.  Do the kids and I stay here, and he gets an apartment, or do I get an apartment and have a "fresh start" (and no responsibility for maintenance) with the children, and they'll have the familiarity of this home when they are with daddy?  I'm leaning toward the latter.  And what kind of visitation schedule do we set up?  Lots to decide. 

I'm not going to spill all the details of our splitting up here.  Just know it's what we know is right, despite the spiritual implications.  Those closest to us know a lot of the details... but still not all.  It's an unfortunate situation, but we're making the best of it.  And I think I'll just leave it at that.

We both can use support during this time and the changes to come.  If you can be supportive, we thank you.  If you can't... well, I'm afraid I'll have to respectfully ask you to keep your criticism to yourself.  We've been around and around this, and we're past the point of being talked out of it... you'll only alienate yourself from us by telling us how wrong we are.  (Yes, we've had plenty of that.)  You have every right to THINK it... just keep it to yourself, please.  It's not helpful.

Since I know a lot of you follow this blog for updates on the children (and our adoption and fostering journey), let me assure you, the kids are doing great.  Their therapist was involved (as was mine) with us telling them about the separation, and both have been a huge support.  The kids are thriving.  In a lot of ways, I think they are dealing with this very healthily.  They are sharing their feelings, talking through things, and it's not unrelated to our deciding to "be real" and not fake this marriage anymore. 

So... that's that.  Hopefully the blog can return to a more normal schedule now that the elephant in the room has been identified.

Hiking

Needing to get a bit more excercise (and wear out the children), we've recently taken up hiking.  Or rather, it's an activity I'm revisiting.  It's something I used to enjoy occasionally (and Brian claimed he did, too... but in all of our nearly 13 years of marriage, he never took me hiking!)

I'm working on putting together a hiking and wilderness survival unit study for us and some homeschooling friends for this fall (praying the weather holds out... it's been PERFECT for hiking this week!)  And in the meantime, we're trying out a few local trails.

Our first venture (mostly to test endurance) was the simple hiking trail in Cornwall Park. 

 
I am embarassed to say it's been so long since I've been on that trail, that when we came out the other side, I actually took a wrong turn and we found ourselves going in a circle through the park itself.  Yessir, I got us lost in a city park.  Sigh.  I really do have a good sense of direction!!!

The next hike was much more straightforward.  Near Hovander Homestead Park in Ferndale is the Tennant Lake Interpretive Center, and beyond their Fragrance Garden and Observation Tower (also fun waylays) is the mile and half boardwalk hiking trail.  All bridges and boardwalks, weaving their way through the tall swamp weeds of a marsh. 

 
We tried to catch a big frog (and failed).  Hallie whimpered the whole way, certain someone would fall in the marsh and drown (almost certainly related to her near-drowing when she was 3), and BEGGED that our next hike have less water.

Our next attempt was a bit ambitious... it would have been about 5 miles round trip, so it's probably good that we got turned around.  Can I just say the trail maps and signage for the Chuckanut trail system STINKS??  We hiked for well over an hour and somehow wound up just 3 minutes from our car... and it was NOT a loop!  I have no idea where we went!  But there were fun bridges, a waterfall, strange cement structures... Just glad we aren't still lost in the woods somewhere!

 
That adventure prompted me to purchase a couple of local hiking books (one on Kindle, the other should be here Wednesday thanks to Amazon Prime,) hoping the maps and descriptions would be better than what I found online.  But we WILL conquer that trail system someday!!  I also downloaded an Android App called EveryTrail.  It uses GPS to track where you went, including distance, speed, elevation and location.  We used it today and it was snazzy!

Today's hike took us to Squires Lake Trail, South of Bellingham.  Since it was Brian's day off, we invited him to come along.  (You know, since he DID say he was a hiker when we got together many moons ago.)  The first stretch of the trail gains over 100 ft of elevation in about a half mile.  It was a pretty strenuous climb for fairly novice hikers... and it about did Brian in!  When we hit the first bench, by the lake, he opted to wait there for us while the kids and I hiked all the way around the lake.  Good thing he did!  We had another more than 200 ft elevation gain!  It was a great hike, though.  A cute little brook, a "tree bridge", and we didn't even take the extra trails this round (a more strenuous "South Ridge Trail or "Beaver Lake Trail.")  I'm sure we'll go back for those another time. 

 
According to my hiking app, we went 2.87 miles total, at an average of 2.7 miles per hour (including breaks to explore the lake, tree bridge and brook, have some "trail food", etc.) in an elapsed time of 1 hour and 4 minutes. 

If you've got any suggestions for good "beginner" trails, locally... please share!  The kids and I are really enjoying our new hobby!