Making A Home

Another Jammie Ride

We were glad to have been able to do one Jammie Ride with Tyler and Hailey while they were here, to make one more memory, and to introduce them to one more fun thing about our family.  Our Jammie Ride was on Sept 19th.  Just a week before we had to say goodbye.  The thing was, the evening hadn't gone that well.  We debated whether to proceed as planned, or whether that would be rewarding them for bad attitudes.  Ultimately, we decided to reinforce that our love is unconditional.  That even when your behavior is icky, your mom and dad love you and want good things for you.  We are so glad we did it.

We had the fun of getting them up out of bed (it's trickier with the baby... she was asleep by the time we came in and flipped the lights on!  But her mood was fine, and she didn't seem at all disrupted by the nighttime surprise), yelling "JAMMIE RIDE!!!" and shuffling them out to the car.  I wish I'd had my camera ready.  Hailey's reaction was priceless.  She was jumping around and smiling and laughing like Hallie was, but you could see in her eyes "I have no idea why we are doing this!  But I know I'm supposed to be happy and excited, so I'll play along!"  Tyler, true to form, just kept asking "What are we doing?"  My only response was "Get to the car and find out!"

We headed to DQ for ice cream cones, then drove around while we ate.  We drove past the homes of several relatives and tried to decide what they were doing by which lights in their houses were on, and any other signs we could detect.  The evening ended on a happy and thankful tone.  So worth it.

We're Surviving

I'll share about our last day with Tyler and Hailey soon.  Right now I just want to make sure to let you know we are all surviving.  Saturday was the worst day of our lives thus far.  Sunday was actually much easier than we expected.  There were difficult moments... like making our usual Sunday morning muffins, and realizing 1 package would be enough.  Or a few moments of worship time at church that stirred the heart.  Or seeing that our family that used to take up 2 small rows, on Sunday only occupied 2 1/2 seats (the remaining children have been understandably clingy.)  Or during one point of our Sunday family movie, when Hallie turned around to tell Hailey something about the film before realizing she wasn't there.  But God is healing our hearts and helping us see the positives of a little family of 5... for right now. 

And the clock kept on ticking...

I hoped somehow things would change.  Time would stop. Saturday would never come.  But it came.

We're spending the day at the zoo today (we promised Tyler we'd take him to see the wolves at Woodland Park), and are meeting the aunt and uncle at 5 to transfer the children to their home.

Pray for these children... whenever you think of it.  Pray that they would love Jesus.  Pray for their safety.  Pray that their hearts would heal. 

And pray for us... on that long drive home, when we come back to an "empty" house, when we go to church in the morning, and for the first time since our church plant, take up only one row instead of two.  As we try to help the other 5 hearts heal.  As we figure out how to move forward.

Telling the Children

I got a call from the childrens' social worker yesterday afternoon.

"We found out we weren't following the law by not moving them yet.  So we need to move them sooner." 

"And I also found out that if you aren't at least a 2nd cousin, it doesn't matter if you're related."

So it appears to be over.  There's a meeting Thursday morning to sort out the details of exactly when Tyler and Hailey will move to their Great Aunt and Uncle's house.  And the only clue about when is "They don't usually move them the same day."  Nevertheless, the weekend's 2 hour visit with Auntie has now been turned into an all-weekend, overnight visit.  My estimate?  They'll be gone within 2 weeks.  My assumption?  This weekend.

We've told Sam and Hallie.  They cried.  (Tyler and Hailey are in the middle of a visit at Cornwall Park with thier birthmom.  It's a beautiful day for an outside visit.)  Hallie is angry at the aunt.  I can't blame her.  Sam insisted he didn't want any brother except Tyler, but realized within a few minutes, as much as he'd miss Tyler, (and he will, deeply), the thought of life with no brother sounded worse than trying a different one.  But we're holding off talking about that until it's a done deal.  Sam wants "visits", Hallie wants "letters."  But Hallie's biggest concern: "Is it just this time?" 

The real question was if we could make sure this doesn't happen again... that the next ones stay.  I assured her we'll do everything we can.  After this fiasco, I don't think we can entertain the notion of any kids that aren't legally free.  It's just too painful.  We talked about the possibility that Tyler and Hailey may come back... several people involved think the aunt is just trying to get the kids for birthmom, until she can get them back (which isn't going to happen) and to let her see them more in the meantime.  If that gets found out, the kids will be removed from that aunt's home... and put back in ours.  But Brian wants something in writing (a relinquishment, a statement that all other relative options have been exhausted... something!)  And the transition specialist agreed emphatically that that should be part of the agreement, so that there's no question next time around, that if they come back here, they aren't leaving again.  If a disruption happens, I think it will occur pretty early on.  If we don't see them back by Christmas, I assume we won't see them again.

They'll be back from their visit a little after 5.  Once they settle back in (it takes a while, if last week was any indication), I'll sit them down for a talk, so they can hear the news from me instead of from Hallie in a moment of anger.

We never get to have any fun

Every once in a while my kids have moments of self pity.  Today it was Tyler.  When I asked him to finish his chores so we could get out of the house and do the fun activity we had planned, he responded with "We never get to have any fun."

After I picked my jaw up off the ground, I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper.  We gathered the family around the table (during lunch) and asked them to list some of the fun things we've done in just the two months since T & H came home.  Here's the list so far... just what we could remember in a few minutes.

Going to the Beach
Play Dates
Going to the Park
Lummi Island
Children's Museum
Zoo
Birthday Parties
Family Birthdays
Jump Around Fun Zone
Cubscouts
Cooking Together
Movie Nights
Eating Pizza
Snack Shack (have I really not blogged that yet?)
Going to the Movie Theater
Playing Board Games
Wii
Gameboy
Swimming Pool
Slip-N-Slide
Church Campout
Raising Butterflies
Raising Ladybugs
Studying Earthworms
Raising Beetles
Catching Frogs
Berry Picking
Foster Family Meetings
Mowing the Lawn with Dad
Mini Golf
Spray Parks
McDonalds
Staying in a Hotel
Going to Friends' Houses
Commissioning Service for our Church Plant
Homeschooling
Nature Walks
Trampoline
Tree Swing
Doing Puzzles Together
Making S'mores
Making Lemonade from Lemons
Playing Piano
Going to see a Play
Sand Art
Secret Missions (under Grandma's house)
Making Homemade Ice Cream
Wrestling with Dad
Read Alouds
Listening to iPods
Watching TV shows
Cupcakes at the Park
Walking through the Gardens at the Park
Picking food from our Garden
Finding Snails
Pedestrian Bridge
Climbing Trees
Collecting Eggs
Chasing Chickens
Playing with Cats
Snuggling Kitties
Looking at Photos
Snacks during schooltime
Getting our pictures taken
Visiting Relatives

(It took 4 sheets of paper.) 
Yep, poor kids.  What a boring 2 months. 

They don't get to have any fun.

On a Happier Note...

How cute is this?  My brother sent it this afternoon.

One of my niece, Lizzie's earliest smiles.  Ironically, the shirt she's wearing says someting like "I have Daddy wrapped around my little finger."  And she SO does.  Especially if she keeps pulling out cheeser grins like that for him.

T & H have their first visit with their birthmom tomorrow afternoon.  We were going to have to wait to tell them until we got a call that she was in her car on the way up (so there wouldn't be a risk of her not showing), but transportation circumstances have changed a bit.  Now we'll be telling them first thing in the morning.  And it now looks like the 4 hour visit will take place at a local shopping mall rather than at the DSHS office. 

I know there are several of you now trying to decide what you need from the mall tomorrow afternoon.  ha ha.

Maybe they ARE with relatives

The social workers say they'll check the info we have (on Brian's lineage) against the info they have on the children's birthdad... because of having the same last name.  But we all know social workers are overworked and don't have "spare time" for geneology searches.  So I don't know when they think they'll do that. 

We found a DNA test, the Y-STR, that can test any two males and determine if they are from the same paternal line.  (Different than a paternity test... it's for ANY two male relatives, not just father and son.)  We found a lab in our area, set up an appointment, and paid a hefty deposit.  And the social worker said no.  It interferes with T's privacy rights to have him tested.  Seriously?  It defies his privacy to find out if he's biologically related to his (pre)-adoptive father?  So we are out that money and back at square one.

I e-mailed a lawyer last night, at the suggestion of a friend who has been through this.  What I found out is... we have no rights.  The department (the state) can petition the courts, through their attorney to get permission for a DNA test, but we are getting the impression they are unwilling.

We asked their social worker's supervisor why the children don't have a Guardian Ad Litem, or a CASA (both are assigned to speak on behalf of a child, to make sure their best interests are being served.)  The answer we got was "they only get a GAL or CASA if there is a need for one."  And we seem to disagree on whether or not they need one.

The only chance of this going before a judge is if something (a big red flag) comes up in the relatives' homestudy.  So while that seems like an awful thing to pray for... please pray that ANY problems or ulterior motives would be revealed.  I'm not asking for more problems, just that whatever is there would be clearly seen by the homestudy worker. 

Pray for the children.  All of them.  Pray about the confusion and disruption that is about to strike the lives of our new children.  (They are still mine.)  Pray for the loss that our "old" children will likely have to face. 

And if you would?... Pray for me.  Pray that the Lord would ward off the depression that is threatening and replace it with His grace and hope and peace and joy.

Bad day.

We went to the "big meeting" today, and were totally steamrolled.  Once again, we were not told the real intent of this meeting.  We were told we were coming to discuss the situation with the children.  In reality, the meeting focus was "the law says the children have to go to a relative if one is available, so how are we going to handle the transition?"  We were blindsided.  The social worker told us if the family member's adoptive homestudy went through, then the case would go before a judge to decide.  At the meeting we were told that's not true - they are relatives, so we lose.  We have to start sending them to visits with the relatives in 2 weeks, working the way up to longer visits, whole weekends, and eventually (when their homestudy is complete, in about 3 months), handing them over to people they only remember meeting once prior to this, making them face yet another transition, more confusion, and drop out of their lives forever, then come home and try to put the lives of our other children back together after allowing their brother and sister (and their best friends) to be taken away.  We are still praying for a miracle... a loophole... anything.  I can't face losing our children.

These bracelets were made by T & H's birth cousin for our whole family.  It was nice to share a moment putting them all on together before putting them to bed tonight... the first night of what will likely be a dreadful season in our lives.

NOT Back to School Day

We started school this week, and the children are having a blast - we are doing a great math program, an incredible spelling series, history, literature, art & drawing, Bible, a weather & seasons unit study, and much more!  We took a nature walk on Tuesday, spotting the early signs of fall, and did some great leaf rubbings.  And most importantly... Hailey is getting her chance to learn to read!  She is so excited and doing just awesome in her lessons!  She'll be reading books in no time.  I'm running Tyler through the same program, at about 8x the pace.  Even though he's a good reader, the approach is a little different from what they are teaching in public school, so I think he'll pick up some great decoding training by zipping through it. 

 

Today we had our (first) annual "NOT Back to School Day" celebration with friends - we did just our daily lessons (Math, Spelling ,Reading) then took off for the beach!!  We spent the whole day playing in the sand and water, observing sea life (starfish, crabs, clams), eating a picnic lunch and cupcakes and hanging out with 8 other homeschooling families... all rejoicing in the beautiful weather and the fact that we were able to go to the beach today rather than being stuck in desks in a school building!