Attachment

So, here's how attachment (basically) works.  A baby is born, has needs, mama tends to the needs, baby attaches to her as his primary caretaker, learns to trust, learns the world is a safe place, learns they are worthwhile and lovable.

And then there's my new children...

A baby (or two) is born, mama tends to her own desires, baby tries desperately to get his needs met, mama is frequently absent, often neglectful, eventually deemed unsafe, children move to a foster home... then to dad's house.  Dad is deemed unsafe. Children move to a (previously unknown) relative's house.  Children wonder where mama went (yes, they seem to always attach to that first mama, no matter the circumstances, trying desperately to feel loved).  Children get needs met, grasp wildly for love ("attaching" to everyone that comes to the door or they come in contact with), start to re-attach to the new caregivers.  Relatives tell them they'll never have to move.  Children show signs of beginning to trust and settle in.  Circumstances lead relatives to decide they can't care for the children, and work with social workers to find them a permanent home.  Children are told just days before meeting the new family (and just a few weeks before moving) that they won't get to stay where they are. Children move yet again, are told by new family they are being adopted, and will never have to move again. Another relative steps forward, wants the children, a clueless social worker hands them over prematurely, trust is broken yet again.  They move in with another (essentially unknown) relative, are told they will be adopted, will never have to move again.  Relatives decide the behaviors are too much for them, call around trying to find other relatives to take them, come up empty. Previous adoptive family is called, agrees to take them back.  Children are told out of nowhere they'll be moving in less than 2 weeks.  Family welcomes them home and tells them they'll be adopted and shouldn't ever have to move again.

Would you believe them?  I'm sure I wouldn't.

So what does a series of broken attachments do to a child?  I started to make a list, but found a better description on the attachmentdisorder.net website.

"They learned in those first few months or years that they could not rely on adults to keep them safe. In many cases, they learned that adults were uncaring, mean, rejecting, violent, unreliable, unresponsive, or absent. It doesn't matter how wonderful their new home is or how wonderful you are, they will perceive you the way they perceive all adults. Even children who have come home at a very young age often cannot take in the love their parents try to give them...

The child may learn as an infant/toddler that they must take care of themselves. That they cannot depend on adults for their safety, hence their need for control to make sure they stay safe. They believe that they stay safe if they push you away by making you angry, grossing you out, etc., any way they can to distance themselves from you emotionally and physically.

Many times these hurt children really believe that if they do things your way by obeying you they will die. They don't think that doing things your way is what will keep them safe. They learned this in those first few years of life when they learned they had to depend on themselves. Bringing them into your home will not change this belief about all adults – including you...

If you can understand why your child doesn't want to do things your way (he doesn't trust that your way is safe based on past experience), why your child tries to make you angry by pushing your buttons and using gross-out behaviors (because he doesn't want you to love him, he wants to keep you emotionally distanced to stay safe), why he sabotages special moments and events (because he feels unworthy), why he is so negative (because he feels bad about himself to the point of self-hatred) you are put in a better position to help him...

He would reject any adoptive parent - it wasn't me, it was his illness."

So... things are "fun" around here.  (Hence the blog inactivity.)  We are enduring fits of screaming, throwing things, taunting and tantrums that last for hours (literally).  We try not to take the bait as they make ugly, scathing remarks and hurl insults... and tangible objects.  Some days are idyllic - the children are helpful, kind, loving, obedient...and the next day, I wonder what in the world we were thinking, trying to adopt older children.  Children with so many wounds. 

Usually our battles are with Hailey.  But occasionally (though rarely), Tyler takes his turn.  Like last night.  He spent several hours (again, no exaggeration), telling us how awful and stupid and worthless we are.  But it's just his hurt talking.  And his insecurity.  And as we say time and time again, they have every right to their wounds.  The cards they've been dealt are nothing any child should have to endure.  But that doesn't make it easy.  (I told Brian that I woke up this morning with an "attachment disorder hangover.")

I'm so thankful for friends that "know," and that walk this road alongside us (with challenging children of their own.)  Like my Grump Therapy friends, of course, and like the friends I met for pizza a few days ago.  Literally, I sat down with them and thought "let the healing begin."  And it did. 

And like the friend who e-mailed me back last night when I asked them to remind me why we are doing this.  I couldn't have asked for a better response.  Empathy, followed by the list I needed (that I really should post somewhere to read in those moments...)

"You want to do this because:

They need a home

No one is committed to them

They deserve a chance at life

Their birth parents {aren't healthy or safe} (my paraphrase)

They need God

There is no one else for them"

 

Thank you, now I remember.

 

Comments

[anonymous]

Christine has tons and tons of good attachment resources if you are looking, her blog is http://www.welcometomybrain.net/
Check out her RAD tips and theraputic parenting labels. She is amazing. :)

[Stacy]

Oh, Hilary. I'll pray!
It sounds like you guys are doing a great job... but so much more than that, you are doing an amazing thing. Difficult, yes. But such IMPORTANT work (of the gospel!) in the lives of these two.

Well done, friend.

[Ashley]

Thank you for posting that, I read it to my husband, and we both agree it sounds like you have been living in our house. I've read your blog for a short while, but never commented. My husband and I have 3 foster kids ages 5,4, and 3 that moved in, in January, and we are in the process of adopting. We deal with the same things, hours of fits, kicking, throwing, hurling insults, etc...mostly with 1 of the 3, but sometimes the other 2 take their turns as well...so glad to have found your blog, and thank you for linking to the attachment website as well. Feel free to email sometime, I would love to chat more with you. I have a blog, but haven't blogged since having the kids to stay on the safe side of the privacy laws of what i can and can't post online lol but once adoption is final, i'll be posting daily probably!

[Mary Grace]

Amen to all of that and more. Our guys were still babies when they were placed with us, but we have fostered older kids and have seen this in action. Prayers for your family as you entwine in one another's hearts.

[Mali]

Hi Hilary,

I have been reading your blog for a while. I am a childless agnostic, so I don't have much direct advice to offer you, except to say that you are amazing and inspiring. What you are doing for these kids is heroic. I cannot imagine how difficult it is, but I know you can do it. Keep going, keep going. I'm rooting for you. It's not my custom, but I will even try praying for you.

[Jodi]

Way to be Jesus to these kids, Hilary and Brian. The description of your home in recent days... it's such a gospel story. I am praying for supernatural healing for these precious children.

[Carolynn Slocum]

I am so sorry it is so difficult right now. God is sovergn and he gave them to you and Brian because He know you and trusts you. We had a wonderful time with you yesterday and all the children have prayed for your children to be back home. Praise God for answered prayer. I pray you will feel Hope. Thank you for your honesty and for your example.

[Kylie]

I've been praying for you and will continue praying for you. I'm a single foster mum of four little girls and your house sounds like ours.

[Renee]

Well said, my friend. And hang in there...

[Rebecca]

You are doing a great job. You and Brian are good parents. Breathe. In, out. In, out.

[Carrie]

Hang in there guys, and more importantly, hang, cling, grasp onto Jesus right now and probably months to come. Praying for you, for strength, for unending love,for patience, for calmness, and for the ability to show the kids the love you have for them even when it seems difficult to show the love. I hope that last bit made sense. Praying for healing for the kids as well, that they will see your love, they will see God's love, and they will no longer be afraid to love and trust.

[Colleen]

You can do it Hilary!

I've found with parenting it's all the little, daily things that add up. The little hugs & cuddles & tickles & giggling at silly things. "Men are that they might have joy;" I think this applies to children most of all. You are giving those kids a home, two parents that love them, care and comfort, a chance for happiness, a great example, and an eternal perspective. It will take years for them to realize this and let you in completely, but it will be worth it for everyone in the end. You are amazing! :)

[Tami]

You are incredible! Somedays I want you to adopt ME.

[emily]

I check your blog twice a day (I'm a blog addict I know!). And every time it comes up with no new post I know it must be really rough. And I pray for you. I really really admire what you guys are you. You are being Jesus to these kids. Kids reflections of God come from their earthly parents. Hailey and Tyler don't know what the love of a father and mother really looks like. To them right now they think of God as abandoning them, and leaving them - you get to be the ones that changes that for them! You have a lot of people (some that have never met you) rooting for you, praying for you guys. You will suceed!

[Gwendie]

When it feels like the challenges of life are going to drown me, God (with His sense of humor) reminds me of a silly - but oh so wise - song: (Sung by Dory the fish from the movie "Finding Nemo" www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmyUkm2qlhA )

"You know what you gotta do when life gets you down?
Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming.
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
What do we do? We swim, swim, swim.
Ha-ha-ha-ho-oh how I love to swim!
When you WAAAAANT to swim you want to swim!"

Praying you will find a way to laugh through the tears. Hang in there Hilary!

[Laura]

Hilary,

I really admire the work that God has brought yourself and Brian to do in taking on these kids. It's amazing testimony. :)

[Dawn]

Our prayers are with you. Hold on to your supportive friends. We are 7 years ahead of you in this journey and it does get easier as you learn what to do and some healing comes to the child. Nancy Thomas parenting is a really helpful resource. I am glad I found it when my dd was young.
Blessings,
Dawn