So, here's how attachment (basically) works. A baby is born, has needs, mama tends to the needs, baby attaches to her as his primary caretaker, learns to trust, learns the world is a safe place, learns they are worthwhile and lovable.
And then there's my new children...
A baby (or two) is born, mama tends to her own desires, baby tries desperately to get his needs met, mama is frequently absent, often neglectful, eventually deemed unsafe, children move to a foster home... then to dad's house. Dad is deemed unsafe. Children move to a (previously unknown) relative's house. Children wonder where mama went (yes, they seem to always attach to that first mama, no matter the circumstances, trying desperately to feel loved). Children get needs met, grasp wildly for love ("attaching" to everyone that comes to the door or they come in contact with), start to re-attach to the new caregivers. Relatives tell them they'll never have to move. Children show signs of beginning to trust and settle in. Circumstances lead relatives to decide they can't care for the children, and work with social workers to find them a permanent home. Children are told just days before meeting the new family (and just a few weeks before moving) that they won't get to stay where they are. Children move yet again, are told by new family they are being adopted, and will never have to move again. Another relative steps forward, wants the children, a clueless social worker hands them over prematurely, trust is broken yet again. They move in with another (essentially unknown) relative, are told they will be adopted, will never have to move again. Relatives decide the behaviors are too much for them, call around trying to find other relatives to take them, come up empty. Previous adoptive family is called, agrees to take them back. Children are told out of nowhere they'll be moving in less than 2 weeks. Family welcomes them home and tells them they'll be adopted and shouldn't ever have to move again.
Would you believe them? I'm sure I wouldn't.
So what does a series of broken attachments do to a child? I started to make a list, but found a better description on the attachmentdisorder.net website.
"They learned in those first few months or years that they could not rely on adults to keep them safe. In many cases, they learned that adults were uncaring, mean, rejecting, violent, unreliable, unresponsive, or absent. It doesn't matter how wonderful their new home is or how wonderful you are, they will perceive you the way they perceive all adults. Even children who have come home at a very young age often cannot take in the love their parents try to give them...
The child may learn as an infant/toddler that they must take care of themselves. That they cannot depend on adults for their safety, hence their need for control to make sure they stay safe. They believe that they stay safe if they push you away by making you angry, grossing you out, etc., any way they can to distance themselves from you emotionally and physically.
Many times these hurt children really believe that if they do things your way by obeying you they will die. They don't think that doing things your way is what will keep them safe. They learned this in those first few years of life when they learned they had to depend on themselves. Bringing them into your home will not change this belief about all adults – including you...
If you can understand why your child doesn't want to do things your way (he doesn't trust that your way is safe based on past experience), why your child tries to make you angry by pushing your buttons and using gross-out behaviors (because he doesn't want you to love him, he wants to keep you emotionally distanced to stay safe), why he sabotages special moments and events (because he feels unworthy), why he is so negative (because he feels bad about himself to the point of self-hatred) you are put in a better position to help him...
He would reject any adoptive parent - it wasn't me, it was his illness."
So... things are "fun" around here. (Hence the blog inactivity.) We are enduring fits of screaming, throwing things, taunting and tantrums that last for hours (literally). We try not to take the bait as they make ugly, scathing remarks and hurl insults... and tangible objects. Some days are idyllic - the children are helpful, kind, loving, obedient...and the next day, I wonder what in the world we were thinking, trying to adopt older children. Children with so many wounds.
Usually our battles are with Hailey. But occasionally (though rarely), Tyler takes his turn. Like last night. He spent several hours (again, no exaggeration), telling us how awful and stupid and worthless we are. But it's just his hurt talking. And his insecurity. And as we say time and time again, they have every right to their wounds. The cards they've been dealt are nothing any child should have to endure. But that doesn't make it easy. (I told Brian that I woke up this morning with an "attachment disorder hangover.")
I'm so thankful for friends that "know," and that walk this road alongside us (with challenging children of their own.) Like my Grump Therapy friends, of course, and like the friends I met for pizza a few days ago. Literally, I sat down with them and thought "let the healing begin." And it did.
And like the friend who e-mailed me back last night when I asked them to remind me why we are doing this. I couldn't have asked for a better response. Empathy, followed by the list I needed (that I really should post somewhere to read in those moments...)
"You want to do this because:
They need a home
No one is committed to them
They deserve a chance at life
Their birth parents {aren't healthy or safe} (my paraphrase)
They need God
There is no one else for them"
Thank you, now I remember.
