Dear Guardian Ad Litem,

I don’t know exactly what to say at this point.  You had offered to keep us in the loop as far as things were developing, and it seems that hasn’t been the case.  We were informed Monday that you were filing a motion to have K moved to the adoptive home of the biological brother she has never met.  I am sad and I am angry. 

 

I know we agree that it is not in K’s best interest to be moved to her great grandma’s house for a variety of reasons.

 

But I think we can also agree it is not in K’s best interest to be placed with strangers, to lose the only family she knows and loves and to be subjected to the pain and horror of attachment disorder.  This will be K’s second broken attachment in the first year of life.  She is being set up for failure.  (I am in no way being over-dramatic, and can direct you to resources on Reactive Attachment Disorder if it will have any bearing on this case or even any future child you are assigned to advocate for.)  Breaking attachments – especially healthy attachments – for these children is cruel and wrong.

 

I am heartbroken over a system that should have so much access to training and research and information, but ignores the implications of these moves in favor of badly-written or badly-interpreted policies, and continues to cause more damage to the children they are supposed to be working to protect.

 

Sincerely,

Hilary

(K’s foster mom)

 

Comments

[Kylie]

:-(

[Jessica in Michigan]

So sorry to hear this will be praying for all of your family, especially Baby K.

[Tammy]

My thoughts and prayers are with you

[Crystal in Lynden]

Devastating news, my heart breaks with you.

[Tammie Snyder]

Hillary,
Have you spoken with the GAL's manager? What does the state worker want for K? My heart breaks for K and all of the other children in the system that have to experience this type of movement every day!

So sorry!!!

[Susan]

Why on earth was she not placed with them in the first place? Maybe you've said but I don't remember. We were called for Isabella because we adopted her 7 siblings. They asked us within days if we wanted to keep her, with adoption in mind. Mom is due in August and they've already asked us if this new one is removed do we want her placed with us. I understand trying relatives first, sort of. Lately here we've had several removals from relatives because they were as bad/worse than the original homes.

Ok, just wanted you to know that you are not alone. The system is so messed up. I am praying for you, your kids and all of the foster families who are or have been through this nightmare. And they want to know why they don't have enough people to foster!?

[Colleen]

Oh, I hope you actually sent this!

An adoptive mom friend of mine recently posted this survey on her facebook:

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/7Y763ZC

It's for foster parents, asking for their input about the system, in hopes to make some improvements.

Despite (or maybe because of) seeing all the things your kids and Natalie and baby K go through, my husband and I just submitted an initial interest form for foster care in our county! It seems like the official policies at least are really great here:

http://www.sccgov.org/portal/site/ssa/agencychp?path=%2Fv7%2FSocial%20Services%20Agency%20%28DEP%29%2FDepartment%20of%20Family%20%26%20Children%27s%20Services%2FFoster%20Parent%20%20Recruitment%2FFAQ

@Susan--This might be one of those incredibly offensive and ignorant things people say, but would the governing body you work with offer to pay for voluntary sterilization for the mom of these 9 kids in care? Does that ever happen? (Again, I'm sorry if this question is offensive or rude.)

[Amy White]

praying for the whole situation. xoxoxo Amy

[Chessa Honey]

Oh Hilary...I am sad for you and Brian and the children.

Love and prayers to you,

Chessa

[Susan]

@Colleen--Not rude. You actually put it nicely. Most people's first response is "Why don't they just fix her!" And no, I don't think they can even offer that. I'm sure the doctor made the suggestion, but that's all it was. As crazy as it sounds, we've all decided she enjoys the attention it brings, even though it's negative. Kinda like a kid does... I honestly don't think she'll ever stop. Getting pregnant while your newborn is in care is nuts, but unfortunately common. She's back in jail as of last week, it's a neverending cycle.

[kathy]

My heart goes out to you! I do not understand why a system so old can not get it right. I know that it would be wonderful to keep these precious children with their families but the reality is that they never would have been in the system if family was involved and willing to love them from the start.
I grew up as a foster child with many different homes, most were amazing I am happy to say, but for years as an adult you search for belonging. I wish there was a way to help.
I hope your sweet baby K is wrapped so tight with your love that she is able to find strength where ever she is and I know you have little control over her life at this point but the love you have instilled in her will last a lifetime, deep inside her she will know that love and it will carry her. Just as all the kids you had. You planted something in them that they will draw upon and it will give them a place of belonging.
I am so sorry this happens but I am so very grateful to people like you who love the kids who deserve love and family. You are some kind of magic and thank you!

[Shawn]

I am so sorry Hilary. It is nutso. Hats off to you and those that commented, who pour out so much love to these children, knowing that great risk. It is sickening that we live in a society where we say we value our children, but when it comes down to it, they are only pawns with so few rights. I think that holds true in so many instances in our justice system.
I'll be praying often for you guys and sweet baby K.

[Colleen]

Thanks for your answer Susan. When I read your initial comment it made me think of this post:

http://urbanservant.blogspot.com/2010/04/when-social-history-says-no-drugs-no.html

And that she possibly couldn't even see the problem with her behavior.

[Vickie]

So not fair to the child/ren. We've adopted (still wanting to adopt more) and we've done foster care. The system stinks in more ways than one. Praying you get to keep Baby K.

God's blessings for all of you.

[Ruby McGill]

I have just discovered your blog, and have read of some of the issues you are currently facing. I pray for your confidence and peace of mind. Fostering/adopting is never easy. And some people make it much harder than it should be. A friend of mine (foster carer) is currently undergoing investigation due to allegations from a former foster child with attachment issues; she begged for help for years with no results (only a counsellor who believed everything the child told her) and finally the placement broke down. Now she is undergoing the trauma of allegations; and once again, the child is not receiving appropriate help. I pray that your advocating for your child is successful. How can the authorities not realise the potential damage to these vulnerable children?

[TKLMT]

Hilary, thank you so much for this post! I have been incredibly selfish as a foster/adoptive mom and it took your post for me to see it! We adopted our foster kids, but then a sibling, 'R' was born in another state. We tried to get R (because there was no way bios could parent), and were told we were first on the list for R's placement (but because R was out of state it became a new case, mostly unrelated to our adopted kids!). We were told this for over a year! Our goal as foster/adoptive parents were to keep sibs together, no matter what. Needless to say, after almost 3 years we still don't have R and have no clue where R is. I realize now that I was wanting to take R from the foster parents who loved and sheltered R (for at least the first year). I would have caused them the pain you are now going through. I thank God that He has opened my eyes through your post. I can now let go of R and just pray that R's placement is happy and loving.
And yes, the system stinks!!! If they were out to help the children they would do all in their power to place with sibs in the first place instead of tramatizing foster parents like you and I with revolving placement/removal/placement.

[mary]

Hillary - this is the first time I have read your blog...and only June 15th's post...but I'm compelled to write as we are also foster, adoptive, biological parents. We have have also had children be taken from our home when it was CLEARLY NOT in the best interest of the child but rather in the interest of the B.parent, Judge or system...but definitely NOT the child. I hope to give you hope...despite how things look today God is in control! He knows the plans He has for you and baby K. and they are wonderful! Only He can write the end of the story for baby K. We have also had children taken away only to be brought back home later. We also knew of a family hows daugther was taken from their care and placed with a bio sibling...that placement did not work and the adoptive family asked to have their daugther returned to them and it was granted! Pray! Our God is a God of miracles! I pray for God's will to be done in Baby K's life!
Blessings. Mary