A friend e-mailed me a week ago to tell me about an upcoming retreat for parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Not a conference, not a seminar (as much as I need and will be seeking out those, too), this is a GETAWAY. 3 days in Orlando with about 86 other moms that "get it." No real agenda, no classes (unless you count light topics like "blogging, homeschooling, henna tattoos and reiki"), but every bit of it optional. Respite, relaxation, and a break from the drama and the trauma.
While I mean no disrespect to any of you, and know everyone has their struggles... unless you are parenting a hurt, traumatized, attachment-disordered child, you just can't possibly understand what it's like. Please don't judge. While some of our interventions may not seem to make sense... unless you're living it, I'll have to ask you to just accept that we are doing everything we can and trying our very best to heal a housefull of very damaged children. Every moment of every day is embroiled in fear and anger and control and most recently... destruction.
When a certain child of mine was not safe to have around the other children because of the intensity of her tantrum the other day (screaming, hurling insults, throwing things), I sent her to her bed to calm down. This was the result. She kicked two holes in her wall - about 18" in diameter each. Our therapist warned us at our first visit "It will get worse before it gets better." Boy, was he right. This ugliness, evidently, is a very good sign.
She was also opening up more (sharing feelings) at yesterday's appointment. He says it's amazing that with these hurt children things will come out from YEARS ago... because actions don't get the mad or sad out... until she can SAY how she feels, it holds power. Saying it will release the power. So that's what we're working on. We spent some time this morning (the children and I) talking about how sneaky "mad" is... that it's just a cover-up for other feelings. I ordered this poster (as well as the regular "feelings" one) last night, so we can have some nice visual aids while we work on getting those feeling out. (I know it sounds goobery and fluffy and psycho-babblish, but these kids have BIG feelings that are really hurting their hearts and minds.)
Short of being perfect (ah, if only), the therapist says we're doing really well - ahead of where he would expect by just a few weeks in (in regards to our therapeutic parenting and her reactions). That's good, I guess. He expects THIS stage will last about 2 more months. I hope we don't run out of walls.
At church on Sunday, we didn't even make it as far as worship. My dear daughter was grumping and kicking at her siblings and refusing to stay in her seat, and I had to take her and the baby to the car for the rest of the service, so Brian and the other children could stay in church. While there, she was kicking seats, yanking on seatbelts, and taking off her shoes to whack them against the car windows. (Lest you think she "won" by getting out of church, I made sure she didn't think she'd inconvenienced ME like she tried do... I drove to the Woods to pick up a mocha and sipped it while listening to worship music on the radio and playing Angry Birds on my phone. Yes, I would have rather been in church, but because R.A.D. is so much about CONTROL, it was important that she think I was having a grand time. So hopefully next week she'll sit nicely in church, just so mom doesn't get to have so much "fun" in the car.)
I'm trying to decide what's happening with the blog. I am thankfully done with reviews now (whew!), but life is such a mess right now that I don't have much to say besides this ongoing battle. It seems to be heading the direction of a "trauma mama" blog... though I would still love to use it to chronicle our family activities, I am so drained and messy right now, there's no energy left for it.
I've always prided myself on my memory and internal organization... but it's GONE. We almost missed dentist appointments for all 4 big kids this morning because I thought it was for 2 hours later. Thankfully they called to say "are you on the way?"
For the record 3/4 have cavities and the other one (Hallie) needs several teeth pulled (new teeth are coming in crooked behind the old teeth and there's massive overcrowding.) At least she'll get her wish of finally losing a tooth... she'll have 2 pulled just a week before her 8th birthday. My newest children came with all kinds of dental work (from years of neglect), but the work was done so shoddily, they are developing cavities UNDER the other fillings and caps. Gideon's spacer has come loose and needs to be re-glued. Molly has several cavities. Sam who has never had any dental issues suddenly has a cavity so big he's going to need a cap on a permanent molar. (Could be because he's developed a severe LYING problem, fights un on brushing his teeth due to severe sensory issues, and lies about having done it when we try to let him do it himself.)
And lest I forget to mention it, he also has a STEALING problem that's become so bad he's not allowed out of my sight at friends' houses, and I have to check his pockets before we leave (we have a ziploc of legos and toy money we still need to return to one home), he steals food around the house (usually sweets, including the candy I got for my birthday), and I even caught him with a stolen tinker toy when we got in the car after their dentist appointment this morning. (Seriously?? A single stinking tinker toy?? For what purpose??) I had to take it back in. And please don't give me any parental plattitudes about having him take it back and confess and pay for it and all that - we've done all that, nothing's helping. Before giving me advice that works with "normal children", keep in mind that this child was "pickled" in methamphetamines (and who knows what else) prior to birth, was neglected and possibly abused in his birth home, was seperated from his birthparents, spent a year in a neglectful foster home, was separated from that primary caregiver, has severe ADHD, mild austism, and who knows what else... and despite the fact that we have been consistent as well as both firm and loving with him since the moment he joined our family, I often feel completely helpless and hopeless that any lesson will EVER sink in. We've tried everything we can think of (short of attachment therapy, and he's in line) and I'm weary to the bone, embarrassed, frustrated and humiliated. He'll be ten next month... and he still writes on the walls. Parts of his brain haven't progressed past 2 or 3 years old.
Frankly, I'm a mess right now. The therapist told me yesterday that MOST of the moms he sees are on high doses of strong antidepressants. (Oh, joy.) One of my very best friends was over the other night, took one look at my pantry (full of processed, boxed foods right now, when I'm usually very careful and purposeful about what I feed my family, and tend toward "from-scratch") and asked "Are you planning to kill yourself?" Ah, she knows my signs all too well. While it's not THAT bad, it's bad.
Oh boy, do I NEED Orlando. But that's still 9 months away.
I'll leave you with a recent conversation (that I posted on facebook but didn't want to neglect to post here, too... gotta cling to the humorous in all this mess):
Malaika: "I'm just going to RUN AWAY!"
Me: "That's fine, I'll just call the police and they'll bring you right back here."
Malaika: "You always SAY that, but you never LET me!"
Hilary, there is so much I want to say but can't post most of it publicly- I will send you a message on Facebook. For now let me just say I admire you greatly, thank you for your honesty on what adoption is really like, that some of the things you have written REALLY helped me in an unexpected way, and that I am praying for you and your family. I really hope you will keep blogging.
Posted by: Amy | 06/07/2011 at 12:45 PM
You are not alone. It's wonderful that the therapy is going so well that gives me great hope. I don't think that it would hurt at all to have a midway getaway weekend for trauma mommas that are local.
Posted by: sarah | 06/07/2011 at 01:10 PM
Hilary, I have not walked in your shoes, but I want you to know that I in no way judge you. You are doing what's best for your kids. You are doing it prayerfully, you are doing it with love, and you are doing it with your whole heart. I can't imagine how hard it all is. May God bring you peace as you struggle through, sister. And may it come well before Orlando.
Posted by: Mary Grace | 06/07/2011 at 01:22 PM
Hilary, although mine is not on your level because I only have 2 with these issues, I get it!!!!! I wish I was there with you my friend, I would gladly come and watch the kids for a weekend for you so that you could get away!!! I love you my friend and I am always here for you! Whatever I can do I will do! Just know that you are not alone! Take care of you!!! Because you will not do anyone anyone any good if you do not take care of your health:)
Posted by: cindy riley | 06/07/2011 at 01:22 PM
Praying for you and your family.
Posted by: Emily | 06/07/2011 at 01:24 PM
I'm here and I'm listening. Just listening. Keep blogging.
Posted by: Crystal in Lynden | 06/07/2011 at 02:04 PM
Hilary, I have a fraction of the drama that you do, and the destruction and I WAS on anti-depressants and medication for anxiety before getting pregnant the first time. I am proud of you and how you are managing. I have confidence that you will see the benefits of your staying calm in the future. Even though I am now calmer, we are still seeing some of the stuff from before because I didn't always stay calm. All this is to say, I hear what you are saying, I understand what you are saying and I completely agree, unless someone has parented a non"normal" child, do not give parenting advice, or judge. I TOTALLY get what you are saying there. Hang in there my friend. I pray for continued healing and your continued strength and peace through this period of life.
Posted by: Carrie | 06/07/2011 at 02:22 PM
Oh, and please keep blogging, even if it is a trauma momma blog. You need a safe place to get it out. And, BTW, I love your wording "pickled in meth..." (I can't spell that word for the life of me). I really understand that!
Posted by: Carrie | 06/07/2011 at 02:25 PM
I am so looking forward to meeting you in Orlando! Maybe we should do a midway local retreat...we need SUPPORT! And thank you for blogging, hopefully you can find a way to continue 'processing' - I know the balance can be tricky.
Posted by: Anya | 06/07/2011 at 06:30 PM
If it helps you, keep going, it might help someone else on the way. And you might find help you didn't expect too.
Your very brave and generous to have chosen the path you did.
Posted by: Sara in Montréal | 06/07/2011 at 07:08 PM
oups - I misspelled. Sorry about that.
Posted by: Sara in Montréal | 06/07/2011 at 07:27 PM
I have been reading your blog for a while and wondered about the issues you must have. I also started out blogging as a way of incorporating it into my scrapbooking. It became an outreach to other trauma mamas and ended up with me being a housemom in Orlando (I'm in Graceland). God works in mysterious ways.
Posted by: Marty | 06/07/2011 at 07:42 PM
I've been a lurker on your blog for awhile. I'm actually not a parent, but I am a nanny for two half-siblings adopted from foster care. The boy is now nine, and the little girl is five. They are sweet, loving, happy children, but they also have severe demons. Unless you have seen a child at their worst you can't really understand how one person can be both innocent, hurt, and confused and also carry out some of the most heinous acts imaginable. Both of the children have weekly therapy through the state, and it was discovered that the older boy had sexually assaulted his little sister. Talk about an impossible, horrible situation-- a child I truly love had done something so horrible to another child I truly love. The boy and I have butted heads many times, and deep down I know that in addition to therapy and LOTS OF IT that he needs my unconditional love. He seeks my approval and my company constantly. But because of his actions he and his little sister were required to be separated for awhile, which meant she had to go to her dad's most days (their parents are divorced). To see her crying and sobbing that she wanted to stay with me, and have him lord it over her (in a normal sibling fashion) tested the thresh holds of my patience and understanding. I came home crying a lot of days.
All this sharing is just to say that I appreciate reading your blog. To be parenting five children, four who were older at the time of the adoption is no easy feat. Your stories help other people more than you know. Maybe they are dramatic but they are true and the reality. I also understand the need to protect your family and be careful about what you share. Sometimes I feel so bottled up inside myself with no safe place to vent my own human reactions to the things that are thrown at me in the line of work. I can't imagine how the therapists of these children must feel! At the same time, I do love these kids.
I'm so sorry M. is acting out so much right now, I know what terrible havoc an intense acting out period can be. And when I get to go home at the end of my day, it helps me to read about parents living with attachment disorders all day long, all week long, and when things seem absolutely hellish I can put things in context and go on as best as I know.
Posted by: Elle | 06/07/2011 at 09:04 PM
Praying for you!!! You are an amazing Mom doing a great job!
Posted by: hilary | 06/08/2011 at 06:28 AM
Not sure how I have never read your blog but am glad to have found it. I have only read this one post but I had to comment and say. I get it. I have holes in my walls and a door. I really get it. Kelly nomoremoves.blogspot.com
Posted by: Kelly | 06/08/2011 at 12:59 PM
Praying...
Thank you for sharing. Thanks for your outreach to help other parents...
AND: have an awesome time in Orlando!!!
Posted by: Bridget | 06/09/2011 at 05:15 PM
Hillary, you guys are amazing. Stop worrying about people judging you- who cares, you know you are always trying to do what is right. And on top of all of this- you're maintaining your sense of humor! :) Have fun in Orlando, good for you for finding a little reflective time. Love to all.
Posted by: carly | 06/09/2011 at 08:03 PM
Keep blogging Hillary!!! Write down what you feel, what helps your kids and what doesn't, you never know how many other parents in similar situations might be helped by your experiences. I have no idea how hard it must be for you and your family. I pray everyday that God will help you through this rough patch. I hope you will enjoy your trip to Orlando!!
Posted by: Emily | 06/09/2011 at 09:20 PM
Just found your blog from Sarah's blog. Oh my! I can so relate.
Then .. I saw that you went to WOODS, and that means that you live "in my neck of the woods". :)
Can't wait to read more about you and your family, but first must go take a nap because I am WORN OUT from a 4 hour RAD Rage this morning. So sad. So hard.
I'll pop back in later today to get to know you and your family better.
Thanks for the honesty and transparency. It means so much to know that I am not alone in my mama-of-a-radling journey.
Laurel
Posted by: Mama D's Dozen | 06/17/2011 at 01:16 PM
Could you let us know where to get this poster? I have the corresponding "Feelings" poster, but haven't seen this one.
Posted by: Mama D's Dozen | 06/17/2011 at 07:43 PM
Don't be sorry, it's understandable. You also need to rest and relax once in a while, so don't blame yourself for needing a vacation. You have a difficult work that involves dealing with children, and that requires a special kind of attention.
Posted by: Arabelle Mccuen | 07/14/2011 at 05:33 AM