Therapy Update

So... I told you we'd found a spectacular therapist for Molly.  We drive an hour and a half each way (well, more like an hour and a half there, three hours back) to get to his office, but he's worth it.  Everything I've read about GREAT attachment therapy matches up with exactly what he's doing, so I have a lot of confidence in his ability.

Last weekend he e-mailed me to let me know he'd be in town visiting a friend, and wondering if I'd like him to stop by.  (He wanted to confront Molly about the holes she has kicked in the walls in her room, and hopefully interrupt a tantrum.)  Yes, please!  Her bedroom is very small, but I was impressed with the way he strategically stood in her room (with us nearby), taking command of the space.  He made it apparent that she would have to answer to him when she destroyed things in anger - that she wouldn't get away with acting out her anger instead of speaking it just because his office was far away.  Let me be clear, he's not mean to them... but he's direct and speaks with authority (and experience), which is exactly what these children who strive for constant control need.

While he was here, he also took the opportunity to talk with the other children for a few minutes.  The timing was perfect... since they ALL had appointments with him the next day! 

I won't share a lot about the session itself, since this is my children's journey and not public.  But I will say I was shocked by some of my children's behaviors and answers in the office.  I learned a ton about one of my children, making me question much of what I'd previously thought about that one, and one other child opted for outright defiance and pitched a fit right there in the office!  If I could summarize the visit, I would say I came to the conclusion that even the children we've had since we were very young have some serious attachment issues.  (And lest you think the therapist is telling us this to drum up more business... he didn't.  Those conclusions were from my own observations.)  I again am anxiously awaiting our next visit (this afternoon), and remain so thankful that we found this therapist.

I would go as far as to say we feel like we have an answer to why we are going through all of this turmoil with Malaika... because without it we never would have fought to seek out an expert in attachment that will be able to ultimately help ALL of our children. 

Unfortunately in the midst of the stress (between the attachment stuff, and Baby K's uncertainty, and just the trials of life itself, I'm finding myself battling a pretty big war with depression.  And that's very new for me.  I have yet to figure out what to do about it, but there it is.

Comments

[cindy riley]

Hil, Remember that God has a plan and for all things there is a reason and he placed these children with YOU for a reason! You are who they need to be with! Remember that god does not give you things that he does not think that you can handle. I love you my friend and I support you in what you are doing for these kids! You have 4 beautiful children and they are so worth what you are doing! Keep the faith my friend and remember I am here for you!!!! Love you!

[Cutzi]

I know you'll probably get a ton of advice - but from my own experience with depression in the past I thought I'd offer up this bit. Besides "remaining in the Lord" (which I know you do) I think it is extremely important that you make sure you are taking care of your physical needs. Basic things like: getting enough sleep, getting a bit of exercise (even if it's just a short walk) and eating as regularly and healthfully as you can (trying to stay away from things that might spike your insulin levels which will then drop and make you feel more miserable). For some reason it's always so surprising to me when I make sure I do these things. In that past, when I've felt anxious or depressed sometimes the very best thing for me to do is go to sleep. His mercies are new!

And in the mean time, I'll be praying for you.

[Carrie]

Hilary, along with what everyone else has said in regards to the depression, do not be "afraid" to try medication as well, you would be surprised how much better you will feel. It doesn't have to be a lifetime thing, but just something you take to get you through this phase of life. I am glad you are discovering so much and that ALL your kids are getting therapy. Hang tight! You will get through this and come out way ahead.

[Kelly]

So glad for you that you found a therapist for your children. Prayers for you and your kids.

[Avital]

I have been praying and praying for your baby K situation, and wishing that there was something else I could do from up here in Canada. I cannot even begin to imagine the agony you must be experiencing. All I have to offer is prayers.

As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, I know the war well. I've been on medication and it helped me greatly. However, I'm currently not on medication, but take DHA and vitamin B complex supplements daily, and find that these things (there is lots and lots of research showing both of them to be helpful in treating clinical depression). DHA (the Kirkland fish oil supplements from Costco is the best and most affordable source as far as my own research came up with) and vitamin B complex are my first line of defense. If/when they stop working, I go on to medication. And, as another commenter already stated, sleep, fresh air (a study at Duke showed 3x per week moderate exercise as effective as an antidepressant in treating post-partum depression) and eating well and regularly all play a huge part in my mental health as well.

Depression sucks, and it is a war, and having lost the battle and been overwhelmed by the darkness several times, I encourage to be be proactive about treatment - either with supplementation and lifestyle or medication.

[Rebecca]

I'm sorry for all this you're going through - I wish I was close enough that I could help - take you for coffee, or do something around the house for you.

[Eliza]

Hilary, as a many years warrior of depression, I want to encourage you to try to get some help with all the practical stuff. No one would expect you to "do it all" if you had pneumonia and no one should expect you to do it all while you have a depression. I know what it is like to feel guilty about not doing everything you "should" do, but I also know that if you do not take care of yourself it will be all the longer before you are on top again.

I will be praying for your entire family.

[joabair]

I suffer with anxiety, have my whole life. It was always manageable until my husband's last deployment. He is deployed again, but this time it isnt a problem. The way I got through it was a visit to my fam doc and talked with him, he put me on a low dose anti-anxiety med. I dont take it, only took it the first few wks but I honestly feel better having it on hand. I didnt choose to take it only part-time without talking to him about it of course, some anti-depressants need to be taken regularly so I am not suggesting that. Sometimes its just best to be proactive as some other com-mentors have said, do what you need to do soon for you. I will be praying for you, and you have taken on enough struggle in your love for your kids than most 3 mamas have added up. Likely a lot more than that! So dont be hard on you, you are doing a good job and your kids are lucky to have you.

[Emily]

Just found your blog. I am praying for you tonight.

Emily (about to start a PsyD program, hoping to focus on attachment... some of the adoption blogs I've read like yours have been huge motivation for me to want to do that. So thank you. :-))

[Lisa]

Just found your blog thru Renee. I went thru a similar situation about 10 years ago and it took me a long time to feel normal again. I have stayed in contact with my sweethearts family (his bio grandparents) and the updates have been disturbing (mental illness that I would NEVER have expected when he was with me - but runs in the family). Hang in there, time does heal.

I had another similar situation with a new therapist I took my dd too. I wasn't sure about the therapist at first, but eventually grew to LOVE this gal. My dd's answers during the initial first few visits were shocking. She was so incredibly disrespectful to this person and her answers to some very simple questions were snotty and actually pretty strange - so very, very unlike her (or at least what we'd seen, she is extremely passive-aggressive). It was very eye opening. The best thing? She held my daughter accountable for her words and actions - especially when those things did not match. She was very kind, but always found a way to cut thru all of the distractions dd tried to throw in the way and force her to focus on the issue at hand. I wish I would have found her a decade earlier.