Where in the world am I?

So... last week came and went.  To be blunt, it sucked.  (Please forgive the language if that's more harsh than you are used to.)

Kaylee had been gone all weekend, and we met the new family in front of our Attachment Therapist's office to take her back for a few days.  They reported that everything went great (other than they were very tired, as all new parents of babies are.)  We then took Kaylee in to our children's appointments with us, where our therapist made a point of processing her leaving with all of the children, including giving them permission to be mad at US... which I wouldn't have necessarily thought of.  Deep inside, children have this "magical thinking" that the adults in their lives should be able to prevent all bad things from happening.  So by discussing that it was OK to be mad that we couldn't make her stay (despite them knowing we tried our best, which he also confirmed with them), he guided their thinking more toward what a normally attached child might be thinking - which is that their parents can ultimately be trusted, even if sometimes they feel let down.  And we'll love them even if they get mad at us!

 

Kaylee is generally a happy, easy-going baby, so she wasn't inconsolable or particularly fussy after her weekend away... but she was noticeably different.  She reacted much like she does to birthparent visits, but more extreme - more active (almost "hyper"), wants up, wants down, wants to get ahold of magazines and shred them into tiny pieces.  She was more clingy at bedtime, to the point where I finally let her come to bed with me until she fell asleep (seriously... in light of the upcoming change, I didn't figure I was going to be starting any bad habits!)  She woke early, and I again, brought her to bed with me, where she settled down fairly quickly and fell asleep on my arm for another hour or more. 

The next night she slept better, but was rougher, particularly for Brian.  The things that made him emotional were all the "lasts" - the last time he put her jammies on, the last time he made her a bottle, the last time he buckled her into her carseat.  Those were the times that made him realize how much he was going to miss our little Kaylee.

 

The children handled it each in their own ways... one seems to be trying to instigate tears by being overly sappy to the point of fake, and that's irritating.  But they obviously all miss her.  Wednesday after lunch, we loaded her and the rest of her belongings into the van, let everyone say their goodbyes, and I drove her to the meeting place by myself (again, in front of the therapist's office.)  I broke down into tears a few times on the way down (even more on the way back), and I was seriously bummed that although I arrived early, they were already there.  I thought I'd have a private moment for a goodbye of my own with her out of the carseat. No such luck. We hung out talking for a bit, I gave her a last hug and kiss (or 12), and they left. 

And I walked into the therapy office.  I had an appointment with a colleague of my children's therapist... for me.  This last few months has been rough (I mentioned on the blog my increasing struggle with depression) and Kaylee leaving was the last straw.  Since there was still about 20 minutes until my appointment, I sat down in the waiting room with my Kindle to read.  Not a minute passed before my children's therapist came out and invited me into his office, which was very kind and a great relief to fill the time and debrief a bit.  He was very sympathetic, since he's seen this happen so many times - the state moving a child against their best interest.  My favorite exchange of the meeting:

Mr. Therapist: "This just makes me so angry, I want to go, like... burn down a building or something!  But I don't suppose that would help anything."

Me: "No, it wouldn't.  But I APPRECIATE the thought!"

It was vindicating to know this therapist who has come to know our family so well over the last couple of months was so authentically upset over what we and Kaylee have been put through.  (And no, I don't think he's a pyromaniac or anything! No buildings are in danger.)

He introduced me to my new therapist, then excused himself to meet his next client.  My new therapist was pretty amazing in her ability to ask just the right questions, then sum up your responses insightfully.  She was also that perfect blend of understanding and forceful.  Unfortunately, I get the distinct feelings our beliefs (religion, faith) are quite different, so tempering her help with God's truth will be a bit of a juggle. 

Her first instruction... I needed antidepressants, and soon.  (So I made an appointment with my doc the next day, who wrote me a prescription for Celexa.  I'm easing into it, but it will take several weeks to kick in.) 

Next: I needed to not go straight home that evening.  I needed to stay away from the drama of my attachment disordered children and give myself permission to grieve without taking care of them that night.  So I went to Renee's house.  (Feel sorry for her - I stayed way too late and just kept crying!)  It was perfect providence, though - she pushed me to call our pastor and talk with him (especially considering the faith differences with my counselor) and I met with him the next day - again, exactly what I needed.  Got some greatly needed direction.

Third: The therapist said I needed to treat Kaylee leaving for what it is... like my baby just died.  (Because to our family... she's gone in the same way.)  She said I needed to ask a friend to hold me while I cry, and ask for support - meals, cleaning, laundry, childcare.  This one... not so easy. Not for these types of things that I know I can do for myself if I just push a little harder. 

The tears are still coming everyday.  Often several times a day.  When I see a piece of clothing or toy of hers that accidentally got left behind, the empty crib (I've disassembled it now), or even just sitting in my livingroom or backyard... it's like I can see her sitting there, playing, and I lose it all over again.  I miss my baby.  I ache to hold her.

And her last main suggestion: I need a break.  I needed to get away by myself, and stare at a river or an ocean or a mountain and be alone and think and grieve and figure out what I want or need.  At first this suggestion seemed way out of reach (Where in the world would I get the money for a hotel?  Why would I put myself at the mercy of scary people with bad intentions by travelling alone?)  Then I remembered.  I already have a beach to sit on.  And it doesn't cost me a thing (except ferry money and groceries.)  My great grandfather bought a piece of beach-front property on Lummi Island (near the San Juans) many years ago, and the family has made it available for all of us to use.  I called my grandma and she said the cabins were empty this weekend, and gave me permission to use the property.  I talked to my husband and my mom and figured out that if I left when Brian got off work on Saturday, he'd be home Sunday and Monday, my mom was willing to take the children overnight after the fireworks on Monday, and I could pick them up Tuesday morning before we head down to our next (theirs and mine) therapy appointments.  At that point there was just no reason NOT to do it.  Oh... and we know both neighbors on either side of the property - so there was a certain level of protection in case of emergency, but neither are pushy or would interrupt this alone time.

 
I've spent a lot of time on the beach, reading, thinking, listening to my ipod, as well as some time in a lounge chair in the sun near the cabin.  I'm getting some much-needed perspective, and a break.  And I'm only halfway through my time.  (Oh, and the food I brought myself is pretty terrific, too.  Lots of fresh fruit, artichoke dip, fresh tortellini, fresh green beans, deli meat... too bad I don't have much appetite). 

And our pastor gave my a great tag-on to the counselor's questions I was supposed to be asking myself. 

"... in light of my relationship with Christ."  Perfect.

Comments

[Jenn]

I really did not want to read this post, but I needed to. I cried the whole way for you Hilary because I've been thinking, like Renee said, it's as if you just lost a child to death. The Lord has been bringing you to mind so much. Please give us specific needs to pray for, don't pretend everything is "fine", even six months from now. I trust the Lord will carry you through.

Psa 146 "...Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God,
who made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, who keeps faith forever; who executes justice for the oppressed...The LORD sets the prisoners free;...The LORD lifts up those who are bowed down; the LORD loves the righteous."

[Rachel]

I am still praying for you guys and in some ways grieving with you. I can't imagine the loss you are experiencing. I pray that this time away is an encouragement to your soul and that He will reveal his greater purpose in all of this and renew you through this time with God.

[Kimberly]

You, your family, and Kaylee have been in my thoughts so much during the past week. And while my heart aches for you, I am glad to see that you are working to take care of yourself and your family. I loved hearing that your children's therapist is completely on your side. That was a welcome chuckle in the midst of the tears this post brought.

Embrace your time alone, and remember that you are entitled to feel every emotion that you might experience. Don't let your therapist's different beliefs bring you down; you have lots of other people (who have obviously stepped up to the plate!) to help you to use your faith through this transition.

I will continue to pray for you, your husband, and your kids every day. And I will pray for Kaylee, that she does well during this transition and does not suffer for the decisions that were out of her (and your) control.

[amy]

I am crying too Hillary. It's so awesome that it's summer, and hopefully beautiful up there. I've been thinking about you guys and praying for you. Relax and rest and enjoy your break. You need it. So awesome that your pastor is able to understand and help you through this too!

[Stacy]

We're praying for you all.

I felt so.much.grief after our little foster daughter, Baylee, left... and she was only with us for ONE month. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. She was my little girl, even after that short of a time. I loved her as my own. My heart truly just aches for you.

I'm so sad and so sorry, Hilary.

[Conversatio in Caelis]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. And yes, it IS like your child died, at least at this moment. Maybe later the thought of Kaylee being loved by her new family will comfort you. But not now.
It's a good thing, you have friends who understand and will hold you while you cry. I know how it feels, somehow. Two of my stepchildren left after living with us for years, then came back for some time - and left again. People did not understand how a mother feels then, even if she is "just the stepmother".
Praying for you and your family.

CiC from Germany

[Dawn]

I cried all the way through this post. I am so sorry that you are going through this. My prayers are with you.
Blessings,
Dawn

[Rebecca]

It does suck and it is a bereavement. I'm glad you had supportive people around.

[verity]

I'm just so so sorry for you Hilary. I have cried all through this and the last few posts, my baby is 8 months old and when you wrote about how Kaylee grabs your arm when you are feeding her I shivered and wept with you as my baby does exactly the same. How you resisted the urge not to pack all your babies in a car and run I have no idea except that you are a far better person and Mummy than many. I think my beliefs are probably very different from yours too but honestly you are the most powerful exemplar of faith in action I have heard of in a long time. And the system does suck, my friends in Wisconsin had the exact same thing happen to them and it was dreadful :(
many many thoughts, prayers and love being sent your way - you are a very impressive mum xx

[Mary Grace]

Yet another mom who has shed many tears for you, and for Kaylee. I keep thinking/hoping/praying that this is all a bad dream, and yet ... it's not. Is it awful that I want the "new" family to be forced to read this, so that they understand your heart? Probably. No good to come of that, I guess. You are getting some good advice, though. Your baby is gone. It's as if she died. Please, be good to yourself and let the Father of peace blanket you with His love.

[Michelle]

I'm glad you have a good support system, because it's hard for many people to understand how we come to love these children in our care as our own. We've fostered for 11 years, and have had to give up several children that we loved- it's one of the hardest things to do, because so many people just don't get it.
Last year, we had to give up 2 little ones we had taken care of for a year and that we had put in to adopt- things changed, so they were returned to mom. Reading your entry brings it all back, especially the feeling of empty arms. After that, I cashed in one of my IRAs from work, and began international adoption proceedings for a SN girl in China. We hope to travel for her this fall, and I can welcome her into our home knowing that no one can take her away from us!
We will most likely continue to foster, and maybe another adoption through DSS will be in our future, but it's not something that can ever be guaranteed.
My heart goes out to you and your family- do your best to take care of each other during this emotional time. Blessings~ Michelle