Lots of silence around here lately. I hope to get back into it... but I think I've been avoiding this post. Time to just get it out there and move forward. The school year is about to start again, and we have lots of fun planned. I want to record it for our family record (blog book), and while this post holds me up, I can't do that.
So... here's the deal. Brian and I are separated. Heading toward divorce. We are in negotiation (amicably, without professional or legal involvement) over details, like the house and the children. Lots to decide. Do the kids and I stay here, and he gets an apartment, or do I get an apartment and have a "fresh start" (and no responsibility for maintenance) with the children, and they'll have the familiarity of this home when they are with daddy? I'm leaning toward the latter. And what kind of visitation schedule do we set up? Lots to decide.
I'm not going to spill all the details of our splitting up here. Just know it's what we know is right, despite the spiritual implications. Those closest to us know a lot of the details... but still not all. It's an unfortunate situation, but we're making the best of it. And I think I'll just leave it at that.
We both can use support during this time and the changes to come. If you can be supportive, we thank you. If you can't... well, I'm afraid I'll have to respectfully ask you to keep your criticism to yourself. We've been around and around this, and we're past the point of being talked out of it... you'll only alienate yourself from us by telling us how wrong we are. (Yes, we've had plenty of that.) You have every right to THINK it... just keep it to yourself, please. It's not helpful.
Since I know a lot of you follow this blog for updates on the children (and our adoption and fostering journey), let me assure you, the kids are doing great. Their therapist was involved (as was mine) with us telling them about the separation, and both have been a huge support. The kids are thriving. In a lot of ways, I think they are dealing with this very healthily. They are sharing their feelings, talking through things, and it's not unrelated to our deciding to "be real" and not fake this marriage anymore.
So... that's that. Hopefully the blog can return to a more normal schedule now that the elephant in the room has been identified.
Now that you go that out, I hope to see you blogging :)
Posted by: Renee Bergeron | 09/07/2011 at 01:02 PM
I proud of you for getting that out of the way. I know it's hard but just keep swimming!
Posted by: Tracy | 09/07/2011 at 01:18 PM
I am always willing to talk if you want to. I am SO glad it is amicable and you are able to work things out peacefully. I wish I'd had that when we separated. I guess I am lucky that I had none of the judgment from others you are experiencing, but that's because I let the problems go on way too long and they were painfully obvious. My kids have done much better with separation, commented on by many. No matter what, it is a hard road. Blessings and strength to all of you- you are in my prayers. Is there a church in your area that offers the divorce care program?
Posted by: Amy | 09/07/2011 at 01:29 PM
Praying for healing and a bright future for you all.
Posted by: Susan | 09/07/2011 at 01:31 PM
Praying for all of you. You are a strong and couragous lady and I know God will be with you every step of the way.
Posted by: Echo Canfield | 09/07/2011 at 01:58 PM
I'm sad to read this.
I continue to pray for you, Brian and the kids.
My guess is that you think of me as one of the "critical" ones-- but I hope you know that I truly do care. I'm still available if you ever want to talk.
Love to you,
~Stacy
Posted by: Stacy | 09/07/2011 at 01:59 PM
You don't even know me, nor I you, but I have been reading your blog for a while ~ we homeschool too. Sending ((((hugs))) from across the Pacific. xxx
Posted by: Liz in Aus | 09/07/2011 at 03:16 PM
I can't imagine how hard that must have been to share....and of course go through. No judgement here, just hugs, good thoughts, and prayers, headed your way. I don't know you, but I have been reading your blog for a while now (originally got hear through Renee's blog). I hope your whole family comes out of this stronger. Keep your head up, you'll all get through it!
Posted by: Meg | 09/07/2011 at 05:22 PM
Love, love, love to you. Being real is sometimes hardest- but always worth it. Now blog about the new school year, will ya?!
Posted by: Anya | 09/07/2011 at 07:31 PM
I am a fairly new follower, but my heart still goes out to you and your family. I will be praying for you, Brian, and your children. It took courage to share that very personal part of your life, and I wish you all nothing but the best in the future. Good for you for working together to decide what is best for all of you.
Posted by: Kimberly | 09/07/2011 at 07:47 PM
Hil,
Congratulations. I know that if you made this decision, it is the right one for you and your family. Hang in there.
-Mali (reader since 2007)
Posted by: Mali | 09/08/2011 at 05:13 AM
Everyone has problems in their closets, we just dont know them. Its okay to have those things as private, and just remember that when people tell you that you are wrong. Right and wrong is between you and God, dont worry about what others think. I dont even know you, but I think you guys should do whats best for you. I am praying for all of you and hope this transition can be as easy as possible.
Posted by: joabair | 09/08/2011 at 05:28 AM
I love your family from afar, never having met you, I only know what you share on your blog. Good for you for having the courage to make hard choices to do what is best for your family. May God's Grace and peace be abundant in this time of transition.
Posted by: Avital | 09/08/2011 at 09:03 AM
Here to support you.
Posted by: Crystal in Lynden | 09/08/2011 at 11:05 AM
I'm praying for you, Brian and your kids
Posted by: Emily | 09/08/2011 at 12:37 PM
Oh Hilary I'm so sorry.
I am a longtime reader but don't think I have ever commented. Sending love and prayers to you all in this difficult time.
Posted by: Colette | 09/08/2011 at 01:05 PM
Oh Hilary I'm so sorry! How painful it must be, even if it is the right thing to do. I'm sorry you've been judged - only you know what is in your heart, remember that.
Posted by: Rebecca | 09/08/2011 at 03:07 PM
I have been reading for a while now. So sad to hear this news. Trust that God will honor y'alls desire to do what is best for everyone involved. Praying many blessings on you & your children & Brian.
Wendy
Posted by: Wendy Simmons | 09/09/2011 at 05:59 AM
This is the 3rd marriage I have heard about splitting in as many weeks. It really saddens me. IF you think there might be one speck of hope, visit noblecall.org
This is NOT spam. This family is dynamic at helping others.
Posted by: Leah | 09/10/2011 at 07:53 AM
I'm so sorry to read this, Hilary. My husband and I were separated early on in our marriage and our future seemed very hopeless at the time. I know our circumstances undoubtedly are different, but I understand the pain which surrounds separation in marriage, and would love to give you a big hug right through the computer screen. With humble hearts, Jace and I are praying for your family and trusting in God's best for you.
With love,
Jodi
Posted by: Jodi | 09/10/2011 at 10:12 PM
Prayers for all of you.
Posted by: Kristin | 09/10/2011 at 10:15 PM
May you continue to be uplifted by your relationship with our Lord and always remember to put Him first.
May your homes be filled with His peace.
Posted by: Bridget | 09/11/2011 at 12:32 PM
Thank you for sharing as much of your journey as you have. Your generosity in doing so has helped me immensely.
Be encouraged to do what's best for you and yours. I'm the product of parents who 'stayed together for the kids'. Being able to separate amicably is a gift that you and their father are giving to your children. They will continue to have the blessing of two parents who love them.
Be blessed.
Posted by: Kim | 09/11/2011 at 07:40 PM
I'm sorry Hilary; I felt a connection as I walked the same road you did with Baby K; we lost our Mikayla after the first full year. It takes a toll on a family as well. I pray that God turns your mourning into dancing.
Sorry,
Jenny
www.ourplansmultiplied.blogspot.com
Posted by: jenny | 09/15/2011 at 07:52 PM
Oh Hilary,
I am truly sorry and I will pray for all of you. Our youngest daughter just went through a 7 month separation from her husband. He moved back into the house 3 weeks ago but all of the problems haven't just gone away. It's a complicated situation with no easy answers. I wish you all the best as you try to make the best decisions for all involved. Blessings
Posted by: Mary | 09/20/2011 at 03:17 AM