Wow. This has been quite a year. Sometimes I feel like I've gone completely insane. Some moments I feel like I'm right on the brink of something amazing... the life I've hoped for. Other times I feel completely lost, alone, abandoned. People seem to be coming and going from my life at an alarming rate. It's exciting... and it hurts.
I've been laid up in bed for over a week with a pretty severe kidney infection. I'm on the mend though, and today might actually be a semi-normal day. I'm hoping to be able to go caroling with my church tomorrow night... so I'll take all my meds and drink all my fluids like a good girl. I need to go caroling. I need to do something to get into the Christmas Spirit.
A friend took me to a local Christmas play (Plaid Tidings) last week, which was AWESOME, and that was a great start... but that was right about the time I started going down healthwise (temps up to 104, violent shivering, aches), so the momentum of merriment was lost. (Incidentally, just found out my iron levels are DRASTICALLY, almost dangerously low... so working on that, too.)
As Christmas approaches, I find myself in the place others predicted, but I didn't really expect. The first Christmas after separation or divorce. They say you feel lonely. Depressed. Maybe even a little crazy. Wow. I've got that in spades. I don't feel like I belong anywhere this year.
I hear of events happening that I wasn't invited to... which, you know, happens... but when it's predicted, it's harder. Those with "divorce experience" told me some people wouldn't know what to do with me when I didn't fit into the married homeschooling mom mold anymore. And yeah, I'm sure part of it is me... I'm not the Hilary they were used to. But aren't I entitled to a bit of crazy right now? I'm trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing... and I'm floundering, and I feel utterly alone sometimes. In their defense, some people ask what they can do... but I just don't know. Some days I don't know what day of the week it is.
So Christmas is coming. I'll have my kids on Christmas Eve this year. And then Christmas Day... was going to be be spent alone. Friends who have been through that "first year divorced" Christmas mostly said they spent it drunk. Not my cup of tea. But neither is sitting at home crying. I've been invited to my family's functions, of course, but I can't face it... and I can't even fully explain why. I just can't handle it right now. I just don't feel like I belong... anywhere!
So I'm running away for Christmas. I'll enjoy Christmas Eve with my children, and make it the best day I can for them... then I'll be in Florida by 10:00 Christmas morning. I'll visit friends in Georgia and Kentucky. I'll relax, I'll listen to Christmas songs on my ipod on the flight. I'll enjoy fun and merriment with people who are looking forward to seeing me. And hopefully I'll come back ready to face 2012 with focus, direction and determination.
One can hope.